Students attending Brock University’s St. Catharines campus are growing fearful after multiple flashing incidents occurred throughout March.
The perpetrator, who is known only by the name “Grandson of Phantom Flasher,” appears to be carrying on his father’s legacy after several similar incidents occurred on campus over 50 years ago.
A December 1972 edition of this newspaper — then called Press — published a letter written by “Son of Phantom Flasher” to the Editor-in-Chief, which reads as follows:
“Dear Editor: So, you think the Phantom Flasher is gone for good — WRONG! Have you not heard of the Son of Phantom Flasher? Benny the Florist has hinted at my return. Watch for me ‘lurking’ in the library, particularly in the elevators, when you’re alone. And here’s a hint for all your security people: I, Iike my predecessor, have black curly hair (I won’t say where) and carry a portable Jean Genet in my left-hand pocket. Father’s gone to Flasher Heaven […] Signed, Son of Phantom Flasher.”
Son of Phantom Flasher infamously committed a string of flashings at Brock over the course of the 1972-73 school year, primarily targeting young women on their way to class. However, after his last reported incident in March 1973, the flashings abruptly stopped. The true identity behind Son of Phantom Flasher was never discovered.
For over 50 years, the students of Brock University have been free from the terror unleashed by Son of Phantom Flasher, but it seems his son — unsurprisingly known as “Grandson of Phantom Flasher” — has now revived his father’s curly-haired legacy.
The first incident occurred on the night of March 4, when Kinesiology student Amina Schmuttz was unceremoniously flashed after leaving an evening class. Schmuttz was in the process of filming a thirst trap for her personal TikTok account when she noticed someone watching her from a distance.
“Yeah, so I’m holding my phone and I’m filming my TikTok or whatever. It was gonna be really hot and my 24 followers were going to love it,” said Schmuttz in an interview with The Brock Press. “Then I glance in the corner of my eye, and I see this weird guy watching me with his hand on his pants zipper. Then he unzips it and shows me his wiener. Super weird and honestly uncalled for.”
Schmuttz says that the perpetrator, who would soon gain the moniker of Grandson of Phantom Flasher, had black, curly pubes — a major clue in uncovering his identity as the Son of Phantom Flasher’s successor. Schmuttz also confirmed that Grandson’s schlong was “impressive,” adding that “every cloud has a silver lining.”
Students expecting that the occurrence would be a one-off incident had their hopes crushed after a second offence followed on March 19, with this flashing’s victim being Sport Management student Fritz Büttengurgen.
Büttengurgen was caught off-guard by the perpetrator on his way back to residence after class that evening. The victim says he was approached by a shady man wearing a cape, who approached Büttengurgen and asked if he’d like to meet his “little friend.”
“I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that,” said Büttengurgen. “All of a sudden, this guy pulls out his schniedelwutz and starts dancing around like a Possenreiβer. I couldn’t believe my eyes.”
Büttengurgen stood in utter disbelief for a few moments before calmly walking away. While he’s tried not to let the incident affect him, he still sees it on repeat in his mind:
“I keep thinking about the events of that day and what I should have done differently. Maybe I should have said nein when he asked me, or maybe I should have simply closed my Augen. Either way, it’s definitely given me a lot to think about,” said Büttengurgen with a curious wink.
After it became clear that the flashings would not be a one-time occurrence, the St. Catharines campus sprung into high alert, with many classrooms enacting a “buddy system” in which students were advised to travel home with a friend.
Shortly after the second flashing, The Brock Press received an anonymous email claiming to be written by Grandson of Phantom Flasher. We were able to confirm the recipient as the real Grandson of Phantom Flasher thanks to an attached image of the schlong in question, which visually aligns with the vivid descriptions given by Schmuttz and Büttengurgen.
“I am the Grandson of Phantom Flasher, and I have a little something I want to show the whole world,” read the initial email. “My father and grandfather were proud of the gifts they’d been given, and the same curly-haired gift has been bestowed unto me. Anyone who gets to see it should consider themselves lucky. You’re welcome, world.”
When asked what inspired him to continue his father’s legacy, he said his predecessor left behind “unfinished business.”
“He had so much he wanted to share, but so little time. After he graduated from his program, he moved up to higher-level flashings in the corporate world. But I want to go back to his roots and start my flashing career where it all began.”
We asked Grandson of Phantom Flasher how he planned to differentiate himself from his father. In response, we were sent a rambling lecture about the “importance of inclusivity.”
“See, my dad only targeted women on campus, but I think it’s important to approach this sort of thing with an open mind. I don’t think anyone should be specifically targeted or excluded based on gender, race, age or whatever else. I think that was a flawed mindset based on tired last-century values, so I guess I’m pretty excited to distance myself from bigotry and show what kind of person I really am — in more ways than one.”
Although Grandson of Phantom Flasher continues to prowl the St. Catharines campus, it seems that students can rest assured that this new era of flashings will be rooted in inclusivity and kindness — providing a beacon of hope in a time that promises to be long, dark and curly.
**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality.**