With exam season right around the corner, Brock has approved the construction of “Cry Pods.”
As early as April 6, students will see the arrival of personal, soundproof booths all over campus.
Undergrad student Joe King sent in the request months ago for a “safe, private place to have a mental breakdown.” In response, the university recently declared the new arrival of the new “Cry Pods,” which will be ready for use the day before exams start. Brock intends to give students the opportunity to get all their tears and frustrations out before, during and after examinations.
“I can’t believe it,” said Joe King. “They really listened, and now I’ll get to have meltdowns on campus. No more silent screaming in bathrooms or rushing to my car to be alone anymore.”
The Cry Pods, which have been given the nicknames “ohmigod-pods” and “fit-pits,” are private, soundproof booths that will pop up all over campus starting April 6. These pods will be repurposed from the old study pods that appeared on campus two years ago, in which some students were already having meltdowns in.
The booths will be the size of a closet and feature no windows, one lockable door and a very harsh “DO NOT DISTURB” sign to ensure students can take their time without fearing any tentative knocks. There will be a variety of light options including (but not limited to): seaside blue, rage red, insanity yellow, harsh reality white and gentle sunshine.
The booth walls will feature screens capable of depicting a variety of images and videos depending on your breakdown style, like forest fire, beachfront, puppies and kittens, etc. The screens will also have a “blank” setting for those that prefer to take comfort by hiding under their bedsheets.
The pods will have the option to turn off the wi-fi for a fully private and disruption-free experience, but there’s also a variety of music choices, a stopwatch for limiting the length of your meltdowns and a pull-out mirror and tissues for when you’re ready to get back out there (to fix your hair, practice acting like everything’s okay, dry your tears and whatnot). Brock officials say that using the Cry Pods for any other “private” activity is strictly forbidden; stay in the She Wolf you animals.
Cry Pod advocate and musical undergraduate student Lou Natick wrote a limerick that he hopes will become catchy when referring to the pods:
When you’re feeling really shitty
And don’t want your friends to pity
Come on down
To meltdown town
And have a blubbering quickie!
The Cry Pods are being developed by a new company called StressLess that specializes in cute animal videos, stress balls and fidget toys. The pods are the beginning of their new venture to bring university students a safe space to “let it all out,” whether that consists of therapeutic screaming, a waterfall of tears or a healthy mix of both.
**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality.**