No amount of anti-Santa propaganda will ever convince me that the jolly fat man who enters my chimney at Christmastime isn’t real.
For centuries, there has been a harrowing amount of propaganda plaguing the Christmas season, seemingly intending to disparage the existence of Santa Claus. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, society has continued to spread the lie that Claus simply doesn’t exist — a claim that becomes more laughable the more you think about it.
I was first exposed to this bold-faced lie at the hands of my own mother, who sat me down last year to inform me that Claus apparently “isn’t real,” and that she has been the one putting Christmas presents under our living room tree every year.
Perhaps the most glaring flaw in this claim is that it contradicts the basic fact that elves are the ones building the toys in a workshop in the North Pole. It remains unclear how my mother, or any parent for that matter, would have reliable communication with the elves constructing the toys, let alone how the toys could be transported from the North Pole to my house if not for magical flying reindeer.
Unfortunately, my mother had become so brainwashed by anti-Claus propaganda that she somehow believed she had gone to retail stores in the weeks preceding Christmas to purchase the toys herself.
While it was disheartening to hear these blatant mistruths from my own mother, it’s not as though they can’t be explained. A 2023 study proves that exposure to fake news can create false memories in a phenomenon known as a “congruence effect,” which would explain her misinformed belief that she had gone to stores in the weeks preceding Christmas to pick up my Nintendo 3DS and copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever.
It’s sadly probable, however, that this sort of scientific discussion would be wasted on her. If she has somehow managed to convince herself that she could squeeze down our chimney to deliver presents overnight, she might be too far gone.
If her agenda were to be believed, it also creates a series of other hard-to-answer questions. For example, is she the one delivering toys to billions of other children overnight? Where have my letters to Santa been going if he simply doesn’t exist? And why would she let me sit on the lap of a fat man at the mall if he’s some sort of impersonator?
It doesn’t take a genius to see that her story just doesn’t line up, no matter how you slice it. By pushing her views to their logical extreme, you would also be left questioning the existence of figures like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Queen Elizabeth II, which proves how preposterous her entire rhetoric is.
It’s time to stop buying into the lies of those who hope to commercialize Christmas and strip it of its magic. It’s time to think critically, using what we know to be true to inform our beliefs. And finally, it’s time to be nice not just throughout December but rather through the entirety of the year, because you sure as hell don’t want to find coal under your tree on Christmas morning.
Santa’s watching. Don’t mess this up.
**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality.**