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Trump declares himself “King of America,” says democracy is overrated 

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Donald Trump declared himself “King of America” in a speech that’s gone viral. 

In an official announcement made on March 30, President Donald Trump declared himself “King of America,” citing what he called “overwhelming support from billions and billions of people.” Besides J.D. Vance — who said only “Hallelujah!” — the Trump administration has made no comment. 

In his 29-minute-long speech, Trump promised to make his monarchy “so much better, so much classier than the old ones.” He claimed that America needs a king to “look up to,” idolize and worship: “And like I’ve said, it’s me –– I am the chosen one!” 

“A lot of people are saying, ‘Sir, you can’t just make yourself king.’ But I checked — nowhere in the Constitution does it say I can’t,” said Trump. 

In trading his title of president for the much more “tremendous” title of king, Trump said he’d be able to get things done “with the flick of my wrist.” He stated that the title of president was “too weak, too small” and didn’t garner him “enough respect.”  

“Kings get things done,” said Trump. “Kings don’t have to deal with fake news. Kings don’t get rigged elections. Kings get treated the way they deserve. And let’s be honest, folks, I’ve been acting like a king for years, so let’s just make it official, okay?” 

Trump stated that democracy is outdated: “We’ve tried it, we had a good run. Look, the Founding Fathers were smart guys. Some say not as smart as me, but they were okay. But they made one big mistake –– they didn’t think about me.” 

“A lot of people are saying, ‘Sir, wouldn’t you be an amazing king?’ And I have to say, folks, they’re not wrong,” said Trump. “Kings live in castles –– I have many castles. Kings wear crowns –– I have the best hair, golden, basically a built-in crown. That being said, I will of course need a crown, and it will be the biggest, best crown you’ve ever seen –– people will be able to see it from miles away and they’ll say, ‘Now there’s a king!’ 

“You know, a lot of people don’t realize this, but I’ll probably be the best king in history. Better than the British kings –– some were okay, but a lot of them? Very weak. Lame. Not a lot of winning. As America’s king, I’ll have the biggest, classiest throne, gold-plated of course, and the people would absolutely love it. I mean, they already love me. 

“Things are going to change around here. First royal decree? No more fake news. Gone. Second? We rename Washington, D.C. to Trump, D.C. because, let’s be honest, I did more for this country than Washington ever did. And third, my face on all the big bills –– I don’t want the little 1s, 5s or 10s, only the 20s and up.” 

World leaders responded to the declaration with a mix of shock, amusement and deep concern. British King Charles III reportedly choked on his tea upon hearing the news, and his royal advisors are currently drafting a very careful statement in response. Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin immediately congratulated Trump, calling him a “fellow strongman.” North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un expressed disappointment when he wasn’t invited to Trump’s coronation, and reportedly said, “He stole my thing!” France’s President Emmanuel Macron was said to be visibly confused and “couldn’t comprehend the joke.” Finally, Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney was left speechless. The United Nations held an emergency meeting, where one delegate summed up the situation as: “I don’t even know anymore.” 

While legal scholars debate whether America can, in fact, become a monarchy overnight, Trump insists it’s already a done deal, and says he is awaiting his “coronation gifts” from other countries and world leaders. 

**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality.** 

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