After 213 years of being worshipped as a Canadian hero, inconceivable truths about Sir Isaac Brock have come to light, and the university population is reeling.
Some Brock students may be familiar with Sir Isaac Brock, the war hero who defended Canada in the War of 1812.
The story goes that Brock died in the Battle of Queenston Heights after taking a musket ball straight to the chest, with his death inspiring Canadian and Indigenous soldiers to fight even harder to repel the invading Americans.
This was the widely accepted story, but recent discoveries by Drew “Pop” Peacock, a local historian, suggest a much darker tale.
“I was hanging out in the She-Wolf statue for, um, personal reasons when I found this leather-bound book in the deepest, darkest crevice,” said Drew Peacock. “It was covered in all sorts of ungodly fluids, but after flipping through the musty pages, I discovered a terrible secret: Sir Isaac Brock was a fraud.”
The book holds hundreds of diary entries that have been verified as Brock’s own handwriting, detailing how the pocket-sized Bible in his breast pocket shielded him from the would-be deadly musket ball. Passed out from shock, Brock later woke up when the battle had ended.
“I fear the worst,” the diary reads, “the Yankees have stormed our poor country. I knew there was no way we could resist; we should have recruited the beavers, but they said I was a madman! Alas, there is naught else to do but flee south and hope for the best.”
The diary then details Brock’s long journey to Nebraska, where he opened a shop selling luxury hats manufactured by child labourers. Reportedly, his favourite part of the operation was telling his workers to “Surgite!”
Pop Peacock’s report was largely disseminated by a Reddit user called “REJECT_BROCK,” which calls for Brock students to tear down and destroy whatever Brock signage or paraphernalia they see around the school. The biggest proposed teardowns are the Sir Isaac Brock statue in front of the school and Isaac’s Bar & Grill, though BUSU has already called dibs on that one in the comments section.
Already, graffiti has appeared around the school, with students drawing moustaches and genitalia on portraits of Brock. Whether or not broader acts of destruction will come remains to be seen, but many students report being simply too busy with exams to do anything about it.
“I’ve got one more paper to write,” said third-year English major Ben Dover. “Once I finish that, I’ll get started on the rioting. My roommate’s in the same boat.”
Interestingly, the REJECT_BROCK account was linked back to none other than Brock President Lesley Rigg herself. Rigg privately informed The Badger Press (our not-so-new name after these horrors were leaked) why the administration had done such a thing:
“To be honest, we just don’t have enough money to change all the signs, what with this budget crisis. We already spent our last drops of funding on those new boulders around campus, so we’re hoping the students can do most of the heavy lifting. We’ll charge them for vandalism, of course, but not until after everything ‘Brock’ is gone. Then we can pivot; we’re thinking of switching to ‘Tecumseh University.’ He fought and died so we could build our university here, and he deserves to be recognized for that.”
“If investors can’t get behind that, maybe we’ll go for ‘Sheaffe University’ or name it after some other British soldier,” added Rigg. “That way, we can keep the logo the same.”
Most shocking, however, is that Drew Peacock’s findings came nearly three years ago and have not been made public until now.
“We were so close to Brock’s 60th anniversary, we thought we’d wait it out,” said Rigg. “Plus, the whole Canada-America tension right now makes the whole story much riper. It was the perfect time to unite the students against that traitor.”
As the students at Brock are rocked by the revelation, sales of pitchforks and torches are steadily increasing throughout the region. Brock’s comeuppance is coming, and with so many statues around the region to tear down, this summer promises to be one defined by vengeance.
Rigg encourages all rioters to post their experiences with #F*ckBr*ck to raise awareness for the cause.
**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and none of the quotes used within are legitimate.**