You don’t owe your parents respect, but it’s a good place to start.
From a young age, many children are taught that their parents must be respected, no questions asked. While this lesson is sometimes taught under a religious pretext, it often comes down to the parents’ sense of authority over their children. This makes sense, especially when children are at a younger age.
In reality, as kids grow older and begin to form mature worldviews, things become a lot more complicated. Children assuming a different mindset from their parents – which is to be expected, considering they are unique individuals – can lead to familial tension.
The parent-child dynamic isn’t erased when a kid grows into a young adult; often, it simply evolves.
It’s important to define respect in the context of this discussion. On the topic of “respecting your parents,” I am referring to the stereotypical notion of obeying them and refusing to argue when one deems it necessary. There is a level of subordination to this definition of “respect”; it is a special type often delegated to the relationship between parents and their children. This kind of respect is perhaps necessary when children are small and rambunctious, but the following argument will largely focus on individuals old enough to reliably make their own decisions.
If it is assumed that children owe their parents respect based on authority alone, this brings into question how a child should respond to their parents once they’ve moved out of the house. If it were true that children owe their parents respect without question, then why do grown adults not necessarily have to respect their elderly parents?
Perhaps, then, this is a demand to respect your parents while living in their home, but that becomes a different argument. Do you owe your parents respect, or do you owe the homeowners (who just happen to be your parents) respect? If a child is only compelled to respect their parents while they live under their roof, why shouldn’t a tenant be forced to show the same consistent respect – and by connection, subordination – to their landlord?
There is a much simpler solution to this question: respect is a two-way street, and it must be given for it to be received. Furthermore, in regard to those who are old enough to reliably make responsible decisions, the concept of subordination must be removed from the discussion altogether. Sometimes, obeying someone else’s requests comes with respect, but there’s no underlying obligation making this happen. It’s by choice, not by nature.
Parents should respect their children as they grow into young adults, and then they should expect respect from their children in return. A young individual cannot be expected to show respect to an individual who treats them unfairly. If a parent refuses to display respect towards their kids, then they do not deserve to get it back.
Now, some individuals face harsh familial circumstances such as a parent who abandoned their family or has been the cause of abuse. How is it fair to tell that child that they must speak of their parent(s) with love and admiration when they have had such a detrimental impact on their life?
With that said, respect is always a good place to start. A grown child who decides to disrespect their parents without any understandable reason shouldn’t be surprised when things become tense. In the worst-case scenario, this can create a cycle in which each party continues disrespecting the other because of the lack of respect they’ve been given.
It is ideal to respect your parents. Being in a situation where you can happily respect your parents without question likely means you’ve had that same respect also demonstrated toward you. Many of those who don’t respect their parents probably wish that they were in a situation in which they could have joyously reciprocated some initial respect from their parents’ end.
Starting off by showing your parents some respect is certainly a good thing. Give your parents the opportunity to respect you back and a chance at a healthy relationship. If they prove uncaring, unloving and disrespectful, then a child should not be held to a moral, familial or societal obligation to respect their parents back.
Children don’t owe their parents respect based on bloodline, adoption or authority. There are too many variables and circumstances that might make this demand unreasonable. Yet, because a respectful relationship with one’s parents is ideal, children should know that displaying respect toward their parents is a great opportunity to foster a more positive relationship.
Parents have an obligation to love their children unconditionally and treat them as human beings, but grown children should recognize that sometimes the path to mutual respect starts with their own mentality and behaviour. Even in difficult situations, it never hurts to try and start a more positive cycle.