In a bid to stem the deficit at Brock University, the Office of the President has announced plans to sell Schmon Tower to the Rogers Corporation. The tower will be renamed “Rogers Tower” and join Rogers’ other venue acquisitions, Rogers Stadium and Rogers Centre.
On Monday morning, the university issued a press release that outlined a detailed cost cutting “diet” that is expected to go into effect this September.
The headline item is an already signed agreement between the university and Rogers Corp. over ownership rights to the entirety of Schmon Tower, which includes the library, seminar rooms, Market Eatery and all office space.
The sale was recommended by a third-party consultant operating under the name of Totally Not Private Equity (TNPE) limited. The publicly available section, which totaled 3 out of 150 pages in the consultant’s report, stated that TNPE had properly consulted all affected parties prior to this recommendation.
The sale was valued at around $2500 CAD, which has been described in press releases by the university as “life saving money during truly dark financial times.”
In order to complete the sale, the University signed a 99-year unalterable agreement with Rogers, stating “as part of the sale, Brock University agrees to hire, train and maintain at Brock University’s own expense; a council of 15 vice presidents to oversee the operation of Rogers Tower.”
A spokesperson for the office of Brock’s president stated in a press conference that “this move is for the betterment of the students. Students have become financially squeezed and are in desperate need of an institution that is properly fiscally responsible. The $2500 sale will provide each student with at least one three-inch wide slice of pizza next Tuesday. This is what it means to put money back in students’ pockets.”
During the same week, Rogers released a plan detailing how the tower will be managed going forward.
The plan stated that “entrance to the library will require the purchase of a ticket on Ticketmaster.” The tickets will be around $45 each, covering access only to the first floor. Access to the upper levels will require a $20 add-on, with surcharge pricing in effect.
Seminar rooms and office space will be rented back to the university at a flat rate of $1000 per day or $275 per hour of use. Market Hall is expected to be filled with cement as operating costs were determined to be “out of line with Rogers’ financial obligations.”
The Brock Press had the chance to interview students in Rankin Pavillion on the sale of Schmon Tower.
One student, Kost, stated that “this is genuinely the worst strategy I’ve ever seen. Not only did we sell the Tower for peanuts, we also exponentially increased administrative bloat….”
Midway through his sentence, Kost was quickly pulled away by a Brock University agent and has not been seen since.
A Brock University administrator said that “this is probably the best deal students could’ve hoped for.” She stated that the leasing model is the model of the future:
“Rogers and other global corporations have been interested in owning the basic essentials of life, and it’s just the way of the future; you’ve got to embrace it, it’s determined.”
Other methods described in the cost-cutting diet include plans to use all available screens including in computer labs, seminar rooms and hallways to run advertising 24/7.
The diet also includes plans to install pedal driven electric generators under all lecture hall seats, ration water from Brock’s water fountains, replace faculty with an Open A.I. subscription and open a lottery stall in the Goodman Atrium.
The office of the president ended the press conference with the spokesperson stating “ultimately, we don’t want Brock to be a place known for reading and academic rigor but instead one where admin is world renowned for its fiscal responsibility.”
Brock students across campus will soon have Ticketmaster as part of their regular app rotation this coming September.
This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and all quotes have been fabricated.