On March 17, the Ford government announced new laws pertaining to alcohol at public or community events in Ontario. Starting in late April, you will now be allowed to bring your preferred beers, ciders and coolers to your favourite outdoor church gatherings! Don’t forget to bring the kids.
To celebrate this new and exciting era in Canadian history, Toronto’s very own premier, Doug Ford, live-streamed a three-day alcohol bender last weekend, touring numerous Ontario cities. The politician has been all in on boosting alcohol sales after the industry saw a sharp decline in the past year. What better way to do it than to show the whole world your passion for a brew?
Over the three days, Ford went from park to park in Toronto and Waterloo, building rapport with locals while making sure to down a can or four of light beer at each stop he visited. Three parks per day was the goal for the premier, each being documented by a camera crew that was sure to make a Netflix documentary out of it one day.
Friday started very calmly, with Ford visiting the ever-popular Toronto Island Park, where he shotgunned three cans of beer with passing dog walkers at around nine in the morning.
“It’s not every day you get to slam back a couple of drinks on a patch of grass with your premier on a Friday morning,” said one pedestrian.
As the day progressed, Ford’s behaviour became more rambunctious. At one point, he even stated, “I’m feeling a bit sendy right now,” after noticing a stray shopping cart resting on top of a hill.
By the end of the day on Friday, the live stream reached around 3 million viewers —about the size of Toronto’s population, for reference.
It took 15 Bud Lights, a belly flop into Lake Ontario, a fist fight with a bouncer and a shopping cart ride down Yonge Street before Ford called it quits for the day and recharged for his next stop in Waterloo.
Any hopes of being sober for the morning were completely down the drain. Ford reached Waterloo Park at eight in the morning, stumbling out of his vehicle, down the stairs and into the river before even cracking open a beverage.
To his credit, the premier’s journey had garnered national news and earned him a crowd that followed him every step of the way. Before he could even poke his head back out of the murky water, a band of hundreds of Laurier students were gathered above him, cheering him on.
A battle cry, shirt toss and chug later, Dougy was back to business.
Saturday marked a new high in Ford’s daily beer count, totalling 17 Bud Lights consumed throughout the day, all of which he drank with a huge smile on his face.
Before you knew it, he was playing cricket with some local players in the middle of Waterloo Park — albeit falling flat on his face after one swing of the paddle.
By the time the moon was shining, Ford’s tour had come to a screeching halt, all thanks to an alcohol induced coma he fell into after his 17th beer of the day.
Reports surfaced that not only had Bud Light beer sales skyrocketed just days after the live stream, but also civilians were more pumped than ever to bring their own beer to the park one day.
This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and all quotes have been fabricated.