Walking through the dense flora, a floptropica under a beaming sun that never sets, I had long since lost track of time and direction when I heard it — the faint hum of summers past growing louder as I continued deeper into the jingle. The sound balloons into a cacophony of past bops converging toward a singular destination: the Khia Asylum.
For years, rumors circulated online of a place said to house the great pop acts that never were — an island of lost hits, a facility designed to cage artists inside the very industry machine once promised to set them free.
Though speculation among respected publications, including Stan Twitter and r/popheads, had intensified in recent years, confirmation only arrived on Jan. 6, when long-forgotten artist Bebe Rexha posted a TikTok claiming her absence from the media was due to an indefinite stay within the asylum.
Due to recent escapes, the adminis-slay-tion informed me of updated security protocols for visitors. After confirming my Spotify account, I was instructed to change into a preselected Fashion Nova dress and appropriate footwear — either six-inch Louboutins or $29 4-inch little brown Bebe shoes, a necessary precaution.
Passing reception, I encountered the cantina, referred to simply as “the 97-year-old diner that still serves its Coke the old-fashioned way.” Though no one appeared to be working, photojournalists at The Brock Press confirmed the employee of the month: a woman named Elizabeth Grant, inexplicably dressed in a Waffle House uniform.
After leaving the cantina, I arrived at one of many forks in the road. This one offered a choice — right toward “Silent Hill,” or left toward the “Dubai chocolate Matcha Labubu Wing.” Entering the Dubai chocolate Matcha Labubu Wing, I was greeted by the sound of ’80s pop hits mercilessly sampled and spliced together. At the end of the hall, I found Ava Max.
After recently going viral on FlopTok following an Instagram Live in which she claimed to have escaped the Khia Asylum, security officials classified Max as “DL Trade,” their highest danger designation. Internal documents obtained by The Brock Press indicate that Max previously drew attention after threatening to release new music in the summer of 2025 and reportedly experiencing recurring delusions of embarking on a world tour.
The asylum clarified that patients are not restricted from releasing music, provided it is soft launched via a TikTok audio clip at 2x speed.
Continuing deeper, I arrived near the “That’s that me Brown Sugar Oat Milk Shaken Espresso bar.” Behind the counter stood Bebe Rexha. Once known for summer anthems like “I’m a Mess,” Rexha now serves espresso, having lost serving privileges following the aforementioned Jan. 6 TikTok.
Further down the halls, I encountered Rita Ora attempting to reheat an empty plate while her aide calmly attempted to explain that Ora had never had nachos to reheat. One of the asylum’s longest-standing patients, Ora has grown especially prone to nacho hallucinations after losing Twitter access in a 2014 hacking scandal involving a new song literally no one asked for.
Realizing I strayed too far, I asked Ora’s aide for directions. They instructed me to follow the scent of ham and cheese on a roll, an orange drink (IYKYK) and a small bag of chips.
A vague scent of cultural appropriation led me to the “Mi Gente Latino” New Admittance Wing. It is here that the controversial method of solitary cunt-finement is employed as a last-ditch effort to allow artists to recharge their fanbases before permanent admission.
Though direct contact was restricted, The Brock Press can confirm only one artist is currently seeking re-cunt-tafication treatment, sustained entirely on a diet of “onika burgers.”
Both solitary cunt-finement and re-cunt-tafication remain experimental and unregulated procedures not endorsed by the Baddie School of Medicine or the people who make the substance.
Before leaving, I was granted a brief sit-down with asylum warden Wendy Whaleiams to discuss Khia’s implementation of such extreme measures.
Whaleiams refused to comment on the current patient receiving the above-mentioned treatments but did detail the procedure has had reasonable success in early trials allowing Normani to release her 2024 song “Candy Paint” and allowing “Dula Peep” to avoid admission after no one listened to Radical Optimism (2024).
The former masked singer contestant did allude to the recent escape of Zara Larsson, remarking, “When the chile is tea but the finna is gag, sis I’m dead as a chile.” It remains unclear whether Whaleiams was implying Larsson had undergone a similar form of vibe-assisted cultural impact therapies.
Whaleiams also declined to answer questions about whether Charli xcx had ever been admitted, citing patient confidentiality. However, she confirmed that the asylum was scouted during the joint Sweat Tour alongside prominent donor Troye Sivan, whose charitable contributions will fund the restoration of the journal factory that exploded, transforming it into the new “Blue Neighbourhood Courtyard.”
As Whaleiams escorted me to the exit, she drew my attention to the new accessibility ramp designed specifically for Abby Lee Miller and her wheelchair.
Leaving the Khia Asylum felt heavy. So many great pop acts, with so few prospects. Though officially unrecognized by the Recording Academy, the institution receives little oversight regarding whether its purpose is rehabilitation, re-cunt-ification, restoration of slay or simply ensuring Ava Max does not release another album.
Despite advocacy from the FlopTok General Council, the Floptropica Security Council has yet to announce plans for increased Instagram Live coverage or scheduled visits with asylum publicist and manager Scooter Braun.
This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and all quotes have been fabricated.