Ontario is preparing to transfer the responsibility and management of all sidewalks across the province to Metrolinx by June. The move, detailed in the Safer Sidewalks Act, aims to improve safety both on sidewalks and between road-sidewalk intersections.
The Act came about last month, when mainstream media outlets reported that Premier Doug Ford was brutally speed mogged while walking from Queen’s Park to his Escalade by an unidentified youth.
In response to the incident, which drew widespread public attention, the Ford government announced plans to improve sidewalk safety.
In a press release last Tuesday, it was revealed that the most transparent of the province’s agencies, Metrolinx, would be assuming full control of the province’s sidewalks.
To accommodate the increased administrative work, Metrolinx announced that they would be hiring 200,000 new vice presidents to individually oversee each unique sidewalk.
A plan detailing how the province aimed to improve sidewalk safety was released alongside the press release.
The primary method included installing human speed cameras, approximately 350,000 across the province’s sidewalks to enforce a walking speed limit of no more than 1.7 strides per second.
When the Minister of Transportation, Tim Fraser, was asked in an unrelated press conference why the province removed vehicle speed cameras but is preparing to install an unprecedented number of human speed cameras, he stated the following:
“Cars are simply the only viable method of transportation; they are safe, clean, carry a status and frankly I’ve been paid $20,000 CAD by the auto industry sooooo…”
When asked about child safety, he stated that “frankly, children don’t pay taxes, so fuck ‘em kids.”
The plan included a minor report detailing that the speed limit was set based off Premier Doug Ford’s average walking speed following “the consumption of a bacon, egg and cheese from Tim Hortons at 9 a.m.” to ensure that the premier “retains his dignity while using the province’s sidewalks.”
The ticket for exceeding the speed limit begins at $500 due to “the unmitigated reputational damage posed by being speed mogged on the sidewalk in Ontario.”
The premier himself stated in the same press conference that “Ontario is trying to become a world class city, you know, and, uh, we can’t do that if business people and influencers are being overtaken on the sidewalks by ill-mannered youths, folks.”
The Metrolinx plan includes provisions to enhance sidewalk-road intersections by making it legal for cars to stop directly on the sidewalk and for people to walk over them.
“We had a lengthy conversation with the minister of health, and we determined that we have the opportunity to enact both preventative healthcare and improve the pedestrian experience. By having pedestrians walk over stopped cars, they are engaging their bodies more like a form of cardio. Some may die, but overall, it’ll really help reduce the cost of healthcare in the province,” read a joint Metrolinx and Ministry of Health statement.
Safety plans also included changing the definition of a pedestrian injury or fatality to one that occurs on the sidewalk itself, removing sidewalks that see less than 100 people an hour and placing foot police along remaining sidewalks.
“Altogether, this plan should enable the province to meet its vision zero for pedestrian deaths sooner than anticipated. This will allow us to reward Ontario’s drivers by removing all speed restrictions province wide,” stated Fraser.
“We’ve already received interest from Spanish and Chinese companies to purchase and toll some of the sidewalks in the province. We’re looking into it as a way to save the taxpayers some money,” stated Ford.
The leisurely walk in Ontario is set to undergo some changes in the coming months as the province aims to improve safety and save taxpayer dollars.
This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and all quotes have been fabricated.