Forget what you know about The Brock Press. September 2025 brings a new chapter to our humble newspaper with the all-new The BUSU Press!
Following an abysmal production year which flaunted communist agendas, unjust criticism of our valiant student union and not nearly enough Nintendo articles, The Brock Press has finally kicked the can, ushering in a new dawn of student journalism at Brock University.
“BUSU’s been gunning to get the paper for a while now,” said BUSU General Manager Robert Hilson. “They fought it for a while, but after that dismal two-star rating on Google, we knew we had to do something about it. Just so embarrassing the paper had to fall to such depths.”
This isn’t just a name change, though. With Hilson at the head of the paper, establishing himself as the new editor-in-chief on top of his position with the union (and the extra salary to boot), there will be some much-needed changes to the content and production of the newspaper.
Firstly, The BUSU Press will only publish BUSU-promotional news from here on out, much like BrockTV: important stuff, like fun events for students and OUSA updates. The Opinion section will be immediately abolished, as there’s no place for bias in a newspaper, and the Arts & Entertainment section will naturally only positively cover BUSU events. Lastly, with BUSU BoD meetings moving to an exclusively in-camera format, there will be no need for the TBP BUSU Check-In anymore. Let’s be honest, who actually reads that shit anyway?
General Manager Editor-in-Chief Robert Hilson will determine which stories are published and which editors are paid for their work based on the new BUSUmeter, which uses A.I. to determine how “BUSU-friendly” a story is.
The move has some students up in arms, namely the former Press staff, who have all since resigned and formed an encampment on the site of the future Student Centre, also known as Isaac’s Bar & Grill. The group of revolutionaries can often be seen getting raucously drunk and shouting about such ridiculous fictions as The BUSU Press’ alleged “fascism” and “censorship of free speech.”
Former Editor-in-Chief Haytham Nawaz is the most outspoken of the protestors. This TBP reporter tried to interview him, but he was so unintelligible that none of his quotes could be salvaged. It is important to note, however, that the entire encampment seems not to have showered in weeks. The whole thing smells of “wokeism,” both figuratively and metaphorically.
“I’m not sure why they couldn’t just take it like BrockTV did,” said General Manager Editor-in-Chief Business Manager Hilson. “That’s been good, right?”
A giant BUSU sticker has been plastered over the old entrance of The Brock Press’ main office, partially to keep the dissenters out but also because that dump won’t be needed anymore since The BUSU Press will have a private newsroom in the new Student Centre once it’s built.
The BUSU Press interviewed students and faculty around the school about what they thought about the re-branding:
“I personally love the decision,” said BUSU Vice President of University Affairs Carleigh Charlton. “The paper has been on a startling decline ever since they started paying their workers a living wage. That’s just not how a student business should operate.” Unfortunately, Charlton had to cut our interview short to travel to the Bahamas for an OUSA conference using student funding. Best of luck, Carleigh!
“It’s a tragedy; The Brock Press was a crucial part of—” [the rest of this quote has been cut for spreading misinformation.]
“The Brock Press? Oh, you mean that company that sells empty newsstands around the school?” said a spokesperson from Brock’s Co-op Education Office.
Clearly, the students aren’t too bothered about this. Anyone worth their salt can see that The BUSU Press takeover merger is a good thing not only for the school but the student population as a whole.
“We’re really happy about this, all of us here at BUSU,” said Supreme Leader Hilson. “We think we might have a shot at the Board of Trustees by 2028 and the Senate by 2030. Imagine this: BUSU University. It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
I personally think this is objectively great, and I would know, considering I’m the new News Editor for The BUSU Press. The future of journalism is bright here at Brock, and it’s only a matter of time before the national accolades start trickling in.
BUSUmeter rating: 7/10 Could have spoken a bit more about how awesome we are. Great work though, Mac, I bet you’ll get paid for the next one! – Rob
**This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and none of the quotes used within are legitimate.**