Brock University’s main campus is a well-known pissing and sh*tting spot for locals and visitors alike.
For the past three years, I have made it my personal goal to visit as many washrooms as possible on campus to find the most ideal areas for nose-powdering and snake-draining. Of all the washrooms I have had the luxury of spelunking, these are the best of the best.
#10. Mac Chown J-Block
The smell of this washroom is a major improvement over the lingering B.O. present in J-Block. Feel free to duck into this washroom if you ever see a group of greasy, unshowered Comp Sci majors walking your way.
Like most washrooms in Mac Chown, this one has not seen much renovation in the past half-century, complete with manual sink taps and seizure-inducing lighting.
Legend has it that the ghosts of Brock’s past haunt this washroom. Many first years who get lost in the Mac Chown labyrinth call this washroom their final resting place. The banshee shrieks of undergrads from the Otherside makes for some great white noise to sh*t to, but overall, the ambience isn’t much to write home about.
#9. James A. Gibson Library
The Mariko Aoki phenomenon (青木まりこ現象) is a Japanese term referring to the sudden urge to sh*t caused by the smell of bookstores and libraries.
The Gibson Library takes advantage of this phenomenon by strategically positioning student study spaces, between Brock’s archive of books, and a centralized washroom on each floor of the library. The Aoki phenomenon might even work too well as these washrooms are usually fairly busy during daylight hours.
Unfortunately, the washrooms are about as old and in as much disrepair as the washrooms in Mac Chown. Upon entering you have about a 20 per cent chance of passing through a vape cloud made by previous occupants – most likely kinesiology majors who by late-November still haven’t opened a single textbook.
Still better than having to brave through Mac Chown but very little improvement.
#8. Thistle Complex 2nd floor
This washroom is a pretty big favourite of students sh*tting and pissing between classes in Thistle.
For this reason, both the men’s and women’s washrooms have been outfitted with some of the most stalls and urinals on campus, allowing for a very communal sh*tting experience. The washroom has also been renovated in the past millennium and is often clean and piss-spill free.
This functionally clean experience comes at a cost though. The Thistle washroom is almost always closed for cleaning during the prime sh*tting hours between lectures. This major drawback keeps this washroom from achieving a higher spot on this list.
#7. The Tardigrade Cannon thing
For students looking for a little more privacy during their most sacred defecation moments, I highly recommend defiling some modern art.
The weird statue thing (sometimes called the “she-wolf”) is located at the centre of the roundabout on Brock’s main campus. This statue usually goes unnoticed by most of the student body, making it an ideal sh*tting spot. Just crawl into the big hole and let the sounds of nature echo through campus.
This spot may lose some of its privacy the more it is used so try to get there as soon as possible.
#6. International Centre
This washroom is very well-placed down the hall in a low-key area on campus.
The amenities are clean and modern though the directional hallway design has led some students (not me) to get confused about which washroom is the men’s and women’s.
Though this washroom is never too busy, its proximity to Nobu’s Noodles means that it will be frequented by low-spice tolerance White people experiencing massive intestinal distress. Use at your own risk.
#5. Back of the Rankin Pavilion
Despite this washroom being the closest to Brock’s main entrance, and more importantly the Timmie’s, it’s surprisingly not too busy.
The men’s washroom includes a total of two urinals; one of them being a little too low and a little too close together for a grown man to use without emasculating himself. A common feature of the men’s washroom is some guy walking in on you using the big boy urinal and pretending to wash his hands or standing directly behind you until you’re done.
If you take a little bit too long using this urinal then the gentleman behind you will likely leave in search of another piss receptacle, or possibly place his hand on your shoulder and whisper in your ear words of encouragement.
“You can do it champ,” and “Wow! You made a big mess” are frequently uttered motivators in this washroom.
Smells a bit too much like deodorant so this washroom is kinda mid.
#4. Howes Theatre
Though this is technically just an accessibility washroom, it quickly became one of my favourites on campus.
Located near Howes Theatre and next to the stairs leading up to Welch Hall, this washroom approaches the top of my list because of its location alone.
The small hallway connecting Howes Theatre and Welch Hall can make this washroom a high-traffic location between lectures. Knowing that there is only a single door separating your bare ass from hundreds of students adds a level of fear and excitement to using this washroom.
This washroom is directly beside the exit doors, which means that in winter, you can feel cool gusts of air seep under the door and brush against your leg hairs whenever someone enters the building.
The amenities themselves are a bit plain though very spacious.
#3. Pond Inlet
An extraordinarily private area for sh*tting, the Pond Inlet is almost never in use. The Inlet’s private washroom is yours for the taking.
On the rare occasion that Brock is hosting some big fundraising event or an octogenarian Board member’s birthday party, just treat the sounds of champagne glasses clicking as competition and sh*t twice as loud. Singing an old sea shanty or a song from the cult classic American college comedy Animal House while you’re in the washroom works just as well.
Though intended to be used by wealthy community members, the interior design of this washroom is severely lacking. Use at your own risk.
#2. Goodman School of Business 4th floor
This washroom is quite literally on another level from all the rest. As we all know, business and finance students are where the money is, and Brock reflects this fact with one of the nicest-designed washrooms on campus.
The washroom on the 4th floor is leagues above the 3rd floor washroom for privacy concerns alone. The 3rd floor washroom is a common piss spot for business majors and poverty majors alike, whereas the 4th floor washroom is only used by the walnut-bladder students attending lectures on that floor alone. Foot traffic is non-existent and the cleanliness of this washroom speaks to its luxurious experience.
The accessible washroom stall is bigger than most dorm rooms granting you plenty of space for incontinence pacing and freestyle breakdance sessions.
This washroom is a very close place for first.
Honourable mentions:
Isaac’s
The washrooms around Isaac’s are kept fairly clean aside from the occasional St. Patrick’s Day vomit pile or a sloppy piss pool. These washrooms also serve as off-the-books office spaces for BUSU executives allowing them to serve Brock’s undergrad community while wasting as much company time as possible.
Walker Complex
I know what you’re thinking, any washroom/change room in the Walker Complex must be replete with shirtless gym people accosting you with a combined smell of deodorant and body odour. And you’d be right! But a worthwhile feature, of the men’s washrooms at least, is the cheap escort service.
Giving any man with a red Badgers backpack a friendly pat on the butt and slipping a 20 in their pocket will grant you access to your very own stall buddy! He will follow you into the nearest washroom stall and fulfill whatever wishes you desire such as a relaxing back massage or more encouraging pee-time comments like “damn, you really know how to use that thing.” Personally, it’s one of my favourite services provided at Brock.
#1. Cairns Complex 2nd floor
The number one best washroom at Brock University is at the east end of the Cairns complex 2nd floor hallway near the bridge into Mac Chown. This washroom gets the top spot for its perfect blend of privacy, cleanliness and atmosphere.
The amenities are all top-of-the-line including a Dyson hand drier and the good paper towel dispenser. The men’s washroom is a large single stall with two urinals on an opposite wall, so you never have to worry about someone else spilling piss under your stall.
Not that I would know, but if you ever were to drop your phone in the toilet, there is a hand sanitizer dispenser less than 15ft away from this washroom for you to discretely sanitize your phone before returning to the scene of the crime.
There is another washroom in Cairns that emanates a similar level of class. However, the relatively high traffic of this washroom near the centre of Cairns makes it a slightly less private experience.
Overall, I think this washroom meets the highest balance of criteria to call it the best washroom on campus accessible to individuals earning less than a six-figure salary without trespassing.
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Do you think my list is accurate? Is there a secret patch of heaven on campus that I missed? Let me know at andrewsh*ts@brock.com.
This article is part of a special edition of The Brock Press for April Fools and is completely satirical. None of the content contained within this article is meant to be representative of reality and all of the quotes are fabricated.
